I am sorry Mom. I am sorry Dad. I am sorry my sons... Please forgive me but I can't help but feel this way...Mommy and I have to act fast.....
Everything about our "beloved" country is or has become a lie. A lie that we say to foreigners to encourage them to visit our country. A lie that we tell our children to try and make them proud of the country they "have to" live in. A lie that we say to ourselves to make ourselves believe that there is still something to make living here a little bearable.
Everything about you is a lie, starting with the picture above. Lebanon is not the country of cedar trees. There are only a few trees here and there, and trust me, they are not in safe hands. What do we do when the last cedar tree goes down? Do we change our flag? Do we change our national anthem?
Anyway, I am not here to speak about agriculture, politics or religion. I am just trying to clear my conscience. To blow out some steam. To apologize... You will understand as I go on....
My dear Lebanon, you are not the "Green Lebanon" anymore. I just passed by one of what was the nicest mountains in Lebanon on the road to Ehden, and the once green mountain full of trees is now just a huge peeled piece of rock. People have either taken down the trees to use the wood for fire, and/or broken down the rocks and stones to use for buildings.
My dear Lebanon, there is no way one can make it from sea to mountain in 30 minutes. Who the hell would believe this? Have we forgotten about the holes in the roads that keep us more focused on not tearing our tires than on surrounding cars, motorcycles and pedestrians? Or have we forgotten about the 2.5 million refugees that we have in addition to the 4 million locals? No my friend the foreigner, if you are planning to finish swimming and have lunch in the mountain, I'd book 2 hours of my time to get there if I were you.
My parents have sacrificed the last 34 years of their lives, risked everything, made lots of compromises to give me and my sister the best life possible. They believe in the resurgence of Lebanon. Resurgence? What a lie. How do I repay them now for everything they have done? By having immigration as my number 1 plan? By having running away as my number 1 ambition and obsession?
I am sorry Mom and Dad. I cannot match your patience. I cannot match your optimism. I can only match one thing, the sacrifices I have to make for my children and their futures. Mom and Dad, I look down at the ground in humility in front of you. I am ashamed that after all this time, after all what you did for me, all I can do is say thank you and turn my back and take my children away to safety.
As much as this kills me and eats me up from inside, the innocent smiles on my children's faces does just the same. I could shed tears only by seeing them smile and hearing them laugh. I hide my sad and worrying eyes and mask my sad face by licking the wound and playing with them to make them feel that everything will be alright. They don't know what's going on. They don't understand the difficulties we live in. Why should they anyway? They are still kids. They have their whole lives in front of them to worry about things and see the ugly truth.
I am sorry my children, I may have to take you out of your habitat, away from your favorite Grandpa and Grandma, but your Mommy and I are doing this for your own good. You see us all smiling for you so that we do not let you feel the heaving weight of constant worrying and fear, the pain of having to separate you from your home and from people you have gotten used to seeing everyday. We are doing this with heavy hearts. I hope you will thank us someday. I know how sweet you are by not complaining about the hot temperature in your room, but why do you have to sleep without an air conditioning because we don't have electricity 24/7? Why do you have to be deprived of nice parks because junkies, refugees and illiterates fill the one and only park we have in Beirut? Why aren't you allowed to set yourself free on your bicycles for example, but have a maximum of 5 meters distance allowed away from me and your mom?
These might seem very silly reasons to leave, but they are much deeper metaphors for all the things that you cannot be provided with here. I am sorry my children, I have to lie to you everyday. I AM sad. I AM afraid. I AM worried. This country IS dangerous. This country IS full of bad people whom I have to protect my children from. You cannot believe how paranoid one could get from just thinking that his children are in continuous danger. However, I have to hide all this from you so you can have the best life here possible until it's time to go.
Until then, it is GAME OVER here in this country of ours. There is too much damage done to be fixed. When the deterioration gets to the people's minds, this means that the solution is only drifting further away from us. When you live in a country the institutions of which are corrupted to this level you know that it's GAME OVER. When a policeman should be the mirror of a respectful traffic system, but instead rides a motorcycle without a helmet, without a licence plate and playing with his phone while riding, you know it's GAME OVER. When criminals, illiterates, armed militias and corrupted man are either in positions of power or protected those who are in positions of power, then you know it's GAME OVER. When you express your disappointment in a very civilized way against someone else, but in return you get stabbed to death, you know it's GAME OVER. When thugs and terrorists institutions adopt kidnapping kids in public and selling them to people as a kind of business, you know it's GAME OVER. When your country is a leader in all the negatives and lies at the bottom of the table in all the positives, you know it's GAME OVER. When your government takes away your money through taxes and gives you nothing in return, but on the contrary, takes even more through cutting off your electricity for 3 hours several times a day for example, you know it's GAME OVER. When you have to convince yourself to stay in your country, then now you SHOULD know it's GAME OVER.
I am sorry Mom. I am sorry Dad.. I know that this is not the country or the life you once wished for us. It's not your fault... But you understand that this is not the life I want for my precious little things either. Maybe you would do one last sacrifice for us and let us go...And I promise you, I will then repay you the way you deserve to be repaid. Who knows, maybe after all the hard work and investments you made in me, I will be able to give you the way out after you felt that it is too late for you now. Well, it's not. I will fight until the end to make this happen. But I am sorry, I will not be able to do this here. Here, where the GAME IS OVER.
Now it is my duty, my turn to insert the coin and give my family another chance to do better.... How about we don't fall for the lie this time?
Hassan Moumneh
